so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?