I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.