Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
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Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
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Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.