i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius