just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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