OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
