These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
