my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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