is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize