After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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