Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
