Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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