please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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