she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
