i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
pray to the hookup gods
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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