you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
