I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
