why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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