I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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