I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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