Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
