the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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