HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
