I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
