how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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