hotel room ftw
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
