I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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