Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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