How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
