Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
