im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
