enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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