How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
