When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
