This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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