you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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