Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
