I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
