I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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