woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
