I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
