The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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