Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So many bounce houses so little time
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
