I seem to have left my pride at pride
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
