i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
