If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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