Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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