Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
