I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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