I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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