My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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