Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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