if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
