a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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