I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
