My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Found the puke drawer
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
