I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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