Ambien. No doubt about it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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