She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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