Tell her she can't have a vagina
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
