hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
