Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
