the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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